Jokes
December 15th 2004

Courtesy of the li'l' sis'

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
Apologies for the American English!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
 

 

November 30th 2004

Courtesy of the li'l' sis'

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.  The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong." I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he
hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)


(This is bad!)


(You know you could just click off and not read the punch
line....)


(You can still delete it)


(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

 

 

November 20th 2004

Courtesy of the Webmeister

 

"Star Wars" Double Entendres

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars (A New Hope)"

  1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
  2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
  3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
  4. "Sorry about the mess..."
  5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
  6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
  7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
  8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
  9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
  10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"

  1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
  2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
  3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
  4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
  5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
  6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
  7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
  8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
  9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
  10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"

  1. "Rise, my friend."
  2. "Open the back door!"
  3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
  4. "It's just a dead animal..."
  5. "Not bad for a little furball."
  6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
  7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
  8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
  9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
  10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."
 

 

November 11th 2004

Courtesy of Froggy

 A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."



And the best one of them all...



13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
 

 

November 5th 2004

Courtesy of the Sarge

Never Piss Off a Woman........

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs out the back door and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his dick in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to"
 

 

November 4th 2004

Courtesy of lil' sis

You know you're living in 2004 when

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE .

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.
18. And now you are laughing at yourself!

 

 

 

November 3rd 2004

Courtesy of the parking attendant

A man is lying in bed asleep with his wife when she wakes him up. "Geoff, there's someone knocking at the door"
Not wanting to get out of bed he pretends to be asleep, but a few seconds later he hears an insistent knocking.  He gets out of bed and goes downstairs, turns the light on and answers the door.  Outside there's a man stood on his doorstep, smelling of stale beer, dirty and dishevelled.  "I need a push" he slurs.
"Go away it's 3am!" says Geoff and slams the door and wanders back upstairs to bed.
"Who was it?" says his wife,
"A drunk asking for a push" says Geoff.   His wife looks surprised at him,
"You slammed the door in his face?  Don't you remember when we were out on the way to the hospital in the early hours of the morning when I was in labour, and we broke down and you knocked at that man's door and he helped us?  Where would we have been if he'd have slammed the door in your face?"
Feeling guilty Geoff went back downstairs and opened the front door.  The man was no-where to be seen.  Geoff shouted into the night "Hello?"
"Hello?" came the answer.
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes"
"Where are you?"
"Over here on the swing".
 

 

  October 31st 2004 

Courtesy of lil' sis

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP......

BUMP......

BUMP.......

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP......

BUMP......
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....
It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP.....

BUMP.......

BUMP.......

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster........

BUMP........BUMP....

BUMP........BUMP........

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP..

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys.
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continue its chase.....

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP..SCREACH...

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREACH....HOP...BUMP..SCREACH...HOP..

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door.
With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP..SCREACH...

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet.....
He grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came .........

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH..

He grabbed his can of deodorant and threw it ........still it came......

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

He grabbed some Benadryl cough mixture and threw it........
.
.
.
.
.
.
The coffin stopped!!
 

 

October 28th 2004

Courtesy of the webmeister

A child is digging a hole in his backyard when the neighbour looks over the fence and says "what are you doing there little fella?", the child replies "I'm burying my goldfish, it died" - the neighbour says with a puzzled look on his face "That's a pretty big hole you're digging for a goldfish isn't it?" and the child says "your fucking cat ate it"

 

 

October 27th 2004

Courtesy of the webmeister

...one for the gents...

Men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women for
thousands of years, Finally, this guide helps you understand just how it works.
Always remember, to make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and you lose points. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Hey, it's her game, you might as well learn how to play.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....................-2
You leave the toilet seat up....................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..............+5
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.............-2
You go out to buy her extra -light panty liners with wings......+5
in the rain.....................................................+8
but return with beer............................................-1
and no pads.....................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.......................+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..............nada
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something............+5
you pummel it with a six iron...................................+10
It's her cat....................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...........................nada
You stay by her side for a while, then leave with a drinking buddy......-2
Named Tiffany...................................................-20
Tiffany is a dancer.............................................-50
With breast implants............................................-100

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.......................................+1
You buy a card and flowers......................................+2
You take her out to dinner......................................+5
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar............+6
Okay, it is a sports bar........................................-20
And it's all-you-can-eat night..................................-30
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....................-40

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal...................................................nada
The pal is happily married......................................+1
The pal is single...............................................-10
He drives a Ferrari.............................................-20
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....................-30

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+5
You take her to a movie you hate................................+8
You take her to a movie you like................................-5
It's called Death Cop III.......................................-10
it features Cyborgs that eat humans.............................-15
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-20

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly..............................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it..+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-1000

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35
You reply, "No, honey, I think it's your butt"........Game_Over

 
October 26th 2004

Courtesy of lil' sis

...one for the ladies...

 

...remember to sing along!

 

I Will Survive

 

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,

When you said you had 10 inches Lord I almost died,

But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,

That I grew strong,

And I knew that I could take you on. . .

 

But there you are,

Another lie,

I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry,

I should have known that it was bullshit,

Just a sad pathetic dream,

Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.

 

Go on now go,

Walk out the door,

Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4,

Weren't you a pratt to think I wouldn't catch you out,

Don't you know we' re only joking when we say size doesn't count.

 

(Chorus)

 

I will survive, I will survive,

Cos as long as I have batteries,

My sex life is gonna thrive,

I will always have good sex,

with a handful of latex,

I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey

 

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,

When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud,

But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs,

Now I'm saving all my lovin’ for a cordless multi-speed ,

 

Go on now go,

Just make a dash,

Last time I saw a prick that small was watching Gladstone run nude hash,

I should have asked for confirmation,

Should have asked for referees,

Then I wouldn’t have you waving that wee winky thing at me.

 

Go on now go,

Just hit the track,

Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,

Cos I'll always throw them back,

The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,

Is to stick it with a tooth pick and dip it in tomato sauce.

 

(Chorus)

 

Go on now go,

Get out of my sight,

I'm going back to my appliance,

Cos I know it's length is right,

And if I ever see your tiny tackle at my door,

You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.

 

Go on now Go!

 

 

October 11th 2004

Courtesy of froggy

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is TEN:
1. One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the lightbulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the lightbulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the lightbulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new lightbulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Lightbulb Change Accomplished"
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark",
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along,
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.